When I first entered high school, I found it quite important to prove that I was smart. Not just to other people, but also to myself. I believe this fixation started when I took the test for my high school’s honors program. During the summer, students who wished to apply for the program took a test, which would determine if they would be offered a spot. While taking the test, I realized I wasn’t so confident in my skills.
I knew how to answer all the questions, but something was eating away at me. At the time, I thought I was just nervous I wouldn’t make it. This was partially true, but there was also more to it. For the first time, I was being tested against other students for a spot I wanted, and it made me compare myself to those other students. It made me consider that I might not be as smart as I had thought I was.
In the end, I did get in, but the seed of doubt had been planted. There was now a part of me that wanted to be the smartest person in my class, and the one with the best grades. I quickly realized that, while the second was unrealistic for me, the desire to be the smartest still lingered deep within me…