Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news. It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.
When Zumper, the rental platform better known for its constellation of dubious price estimates than its aptitude for sociological insight, released this year’s “Top Cities for Singles” list in October, few expected Asheville to occupy one of the top slots. The eighth-place ranking seemed, at best, an algorithmic accident. Maybe a hungover intern had clicked something twice or misinterpreted a data column titled “breweries per capita” as “emotionally available men per capita.” It happens.
And yet, there Asheville sat, prompting a wave of panic, disbelief and, ultimately, protest from the very demographic the list sought to praise. Within hours, residents took to Instagram stories, group chats and eventually the streets, staging what one organizer called “a humanitarian demonstration,” though another more accurately described it as “a group walk for people who love organizing group walks.”…