AUGUSTA, Ga. — You’re probably here to read about a garden gnome, and I should probably be honest up front: This is not a story about a garden gnome.
Assuming the forthcoming AI cataclysm doesn’t reveal a lone blindspot in cute horticultural content, garden gnomes are unlikely ever to become a central focus of my writing interest … even if that gnome is the most sought-after merchandise item at the most sought-after golf tournament on earth, and even if my loved ones have spent the better part of the last several months begging me to purchase one.
This story is about a hilariously ill-advised search to find the single most exclusive piece of merchandise at Augusta National — a search that brought me to some places on property I never knew existed, and in pursuit of several more I’m still fairly sure don’t exist … but can’t totally rule out. And what it’s actually about, if I’m being honest, the kind of totally outrageous pursuits in commerce that indirectly make the Masters the most revered tournament in golf…