Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Step aside, spotted lanternfly, because the newest invasive species has arrived on Grounds — the performative male. When students came back to Grounds in August, the population of this novel species exploded, increasing almost threefold in just under a month. This population boom can be attributed mostly to the sheer number of young adult males at the University looking to impress female students with an aesthetic appearance and trendy interests. By curating a specific look and certain traits, these men hope to improve their romantic prospects. However, these false personalities should not be trusted.
Similar to lantern flies which divebomb innocent victims at every corner, students will find that the Lawn, the Corner and McCormick Road are suddenly teeming with tote bags and fraught with feminist literature. Such a rapid infiltration has led to outcry from the student body over managing this unforeseen infestation. In order to keep yourself and your loved ones safe, it’s essential to stay informed about the tendencies of performative males around the University…