LOWER LOWER WACKER — For the past two weeks, some of Chicago Genius’ bravest and reddest-necked reporters have been embedded undercover within ICE patrols deployed across our city, to bring you stories from the front lines of this unprecedented federal overreach. The first of these stories comes from downtown Chicago, where an SUV-load of DHS and ICE agents has been wandering aimlessly on Lower Lower Wacker for days after the GPS on their phones stopped working.
According to our reporter, the Department of Homeland Security agent Doug Bruckton, 40, took the initial wrong turn onto Lower Wacker on Saturday when he and the other four agents in the vehicle were all scrolling Instagram. The agents have since attempted to deny this to our undercover reporter, who was also in the car.
Bruckton then reportedly broke into a panic. “He’s from Tampa, so he gets scared when he can’t see the sun,” border patrol agent Todd Chelson, 38, told our reporter. “This is pretty scary for all of us, but Doug takes it especially bad. If he wasn’t always wearing sunglasses you’d still see the whites of his eyes for sure.”…