MONROE, OR — In the early hours of Wednesday morning, local woman Emily Patterson reportedly launched what experts are calling a “precision-targeted rib jab” into the soft flank of her peacefully unconscious husband, Greg, in a final, desperate effort to end what has been described by neighbors as a “low-frequency death rattle.”
According to sources within the Patterson household, the snoring began around 11:42 p.m. and quickly escalated to a decibel level just shy of a commercial-grade leaf blower. Emily, a veteran of twelve winters of marital snore warfare, initially attempted standard countermeasures: rolling over forcefully, passive-aggressive sighing, and violently adjusting the blankets in hopes of startling the beast.
“It was like sleeping next to a Harley Davidson doing donuts in a metal shed,” she whispered, eyes bloodshot and voice trembling. “I tried everything. Light kicks. Harsh whispers. One time I even just stared at him really hard. Nothing. This man could sleep through a NASA launch.”…