Salem, Oregon — In a moving display of parental love mixed with economic nihilism, local couple Doug and Melissa Jenkins sat their 17-year-old son Caleb down Tuesday night for what they solemnly called “The American Dream Talk”—a beloved Jenkins family tradition in which hopes are dashed in PowerPoint format and reality is spoon-fed alongside herbal tea and existential dread.
“We just wanted to be honest,” Melissa said gently, sliding a manila folder labeled ‘Your Financial Future (lol)’ across the table. “Back in our day, we moved out at 18, paid $450 a month for a cute apartment with shag carpet and a working stove. These days, you’d need six jobs, a rich aunt, and a GoFundMe just to rent a condemned yurt outside Eugene.”
The presentation—projected via dusty overhead transparency for added emotional trauma—was titled “Why You’ll Be Broke Forever: A Hug in Graph Form” and included slides such as “Average Rent vs. Your Soul Leaving Your Body,” and a line chart ominously labeled “Hope (Declining),” featuring a stick figure falling down a staircase labeled ‘late-stage capitalism.’…