PORTLAND, OR — In what mall officials are calling “an unfortunate holiday incident,” the Easter Bunny abruptly ended his seasonal duties at the Lloyd Center this weekend after reportedly being ambushed by a 3-year-old wielding toddler-sized brass knuckles and a sippy cup full of Red Bull.
According to traumatized bystanders, the confrontation occurred shortly after the bunny refused to accept a crayon-drawn “IOU” as payment for a photo. Witnesses say the toddler—identified only as “Braxxxtyn”—approached the Easter Bunny with a grin, whispered “I run this mall,” and unleashed a flurry of surprisingly accurate punches to the lower abdomen of the 6’4″ man in costume.
“He didn’t even flinch,” said mall shopper Linda Moretti. “That rabbit tried to hop away, but Braxxxtyn swept the legs like he was in a baby fight club.”…