I have avoided places for completely spurious reasons in the past, and I know I’m not the only one. I remember a friend who wouldn’t even pass through Shadyside on the off chance he’d run into an ex-girlfriend. So, with that in mind:
Pittsburgh Neighborhoods and (Perfectly Valid) Reasons to Avoid Them:
- The South Side. You already saw a drunk guy in a Chase Claypool jersey attempt to fight a mailbox (and lose). I mean, what else is there to see after that?
- Squirrel Hill. You don’t really know what “boba” and “matcha” are, and don’t want to look foolish in front of the undergrads.
- East Liberty. You suspect that letting your streak of lessons lapse was the last straw for the Duolingo owl, and you bear some responsibility for his death. All he wanted was for you to learn Hungarian.
- Lawrenceville. Where are the chains? You only trust food from a Sysco truck, defrosted by surly teenagers.
- Polish Hill. You let it slip once that you think pierogies are overrated. The Polish mob (three grandmas presiding over an empire of butter, onions, and video poker) will find you.
- Downtown. You have a deep-rooted fear of musical theater. When it’s time to move the plot along, why are they always bursting into song?
- Bloomfield. You pronounced “capicola” the way they do on The Sopranos (“gabagool”) once while waiting in line at Donatelli’s and feel residual shame every time you pass by. Even though it’s closed for good.
- Monroeville. The TUNNEL MONSTER will get you, obviously. Oh, you don’t believe? Well, why does everyone instinctively slow down in front of a tunnel? And why are they building a weird bridge to nowhere just beyond the Squirrel Hill Tunnel, if not to confuse him?
For sale: 510 Cato St., Oakland. $265,000.
Not sure what happened to the top of this house, but that’s probably why it’s so inexpensive (for Oakland). It’s 900 square feet, which is small — but huge for a dorm! The listing advertises a 5,972 square foot lot, which is assuming you’ll want to tear it down. I’d prefer to keep these kinds of tiny houses, which are perfect for singles or young families. However, while the market for those does exist, it’s not much bigger than this house.
For sale: 130 Chesterfield Rd., Oakland. $260,000.…