Oregon Adds Safe Spaces to Prisons in Case Murderers Feel Uncomfortable

SALEM, OR — In a bold new effort to make convicted murderers feel a little more at ease during their lengthy prison sentences, Oregon officials have announced the rollout of in-prison safe spaces — fully furnished with leather couches, decorative wall paneling, a calming “Safe Place” sign, and, most importantly, a generously sized bean bag chair for emotional decompression.

Dubbed the “Compassion Corners Initiative,” the program seeks to offer emotional refuge to inmates who may be experiencing the deeply traumatic effects of being mildly inconvenienced in a correctional facility.

“These individuals have suffered — sometimes for as long as a few hours without a neck pillow,” said Warden Skylar Moon-Hart, who now prefers the title “Carceral Wellness Coordinator.” “That’s why we’ve created spaces where even the most violently unstable inmates can retreat, throw on some jazz, and breathe through their feelings.”…

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