Dear Eric: Five years ago, on Mother’s Day, my adult son suddenly cut me out of his life. He told me he no longer wanted contact because he didn’t like the way he was raised and considered me a negative presence. I didn’t agree with his reasons, but I respected his choice. I’ve honored his no-contact request ever since.
I’ve never reached out to him directly, except once early on to his wife, and when one of my grandchildren turned 18, I sent a short letter letting him know I loved him and that now he could choose for himself, as an adult, whether to have a relationship with me. I didn’t hear back, but I plan to do the same for the others when they come of age.
My question is: if I become terminally ill – or find myself on my deathbed – would it be wrong to send my son a letter asking if he’d want to be notified when the time comes? Or would that be crossing a line, even in the face of death? When I had cancer a few years ago, I didn’t contact him, but I did tell my daughter to let him know if I passed. Thankfully, I made it through, but I know I’m living on borrowed time…