Ever wanted to leave a one-star review for things that aren’t on Yelp? Take, for example, your hometown?
In the spirit of loving where we live (and occasionally mercilessly roasting it), here are a few totally imaginary Yelp reviews for everyday things that make Lubbock, uhh…Lubbock.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ The Wind
“Never stops. Never. Feels like being hugged by creepy uncle who is also a hair dryer. Never stops. Took my patio furniture on an unplanned vacation to who-the-heck-knows. Still, it’s dependable. You can always count on it to ruin your hair and your day. 5/5 for consistency.”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Sonic Ice
“Perfection in frozen form. Crunches like heaven. If you know, you know. Honestly, I’d drink plain water if it came with Sonic ice. It’s basically legal tender, as far as I’m concerned.”
⭐️ Lubbock Left Turns
“Bro, who designed this? You gotta drive to Hobbs just to turn left. Lost three years off my life waiting at 82nd and Slide. One star and that’s generous.”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Taco Villa Hot Sauce
“Spicy nostalgia in a cup. The unofficial flavor of after-school runs and poor financial decisions. If they ever stop making it, I’ll riot. Viva the Villa!”
⭐️⭐️ Buc-ee’s Rumors
“I’ve heard we were going to get one here for 47 years, but nope. Two stars for emotional damage.”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ The West Texas Sky
“The sunsets slap harder than your mama’s chancla. Sometimes you just stop your car mid-sentence to stare at it. Would recommend to anyone with eyeballs.”
⭐️ Red Raider Traffic After a Game
“Absolute chaos. Feels like trying to escape a zombie movie, but everyone’s wearing Tech gear. Zero stars for efficiency, five stars for team spirit.”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Lubbock People
“Will hold the door, offer jumper cables, and tell you their life story while you pump gas. Kindest chaos you’ll ever meet. Bless ’em.”…