Tired of reading horoscopes that say things like “You’ll meet a mysterious stranger” when you know darn well you’re just meeting the same three dudes from high school over and over again at United? Same. Here’s a no-nonsense, weather-beaten, dust-approved guide to what the stars really have in store for you this week in West Texas.
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ll impulsively start a home project and then realize you need 4 more trips to Lowe’s. The wind will scatter your receipts across the neighborhood, symbolizing your financial instability. Lucky snack: Beef jerky from Allsup’s.
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You crave peace, but your neighbor’s leaf blower wants war. Don’t fight it—lean into the chaos and then call it something like “white noise therapy.” However, love may come your way if you hold the door open at Whataburger.
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