Welcome to Turkey Day in Lubbock, arguably the most dangerous meal of the year.
Thanksgiving in Lubbock isn’t just a holiday — it’s a contact sport with food involved. You’ve got relatives who haven’t spoken since 2007 suddenly sitting elbow-to-elbow over mashed potatoes, and everyone has a “harmless opinion” guaranteed to detonate the room like a deep-fried turkey fire. (My uncle ruined the backyard one year after far too many beers before 10 am. Honestly, he ruined his whole life that way…but that’s a story for another day.)
Here are the Thanksgiving hot takes that will start a fight faster than you can say, “pass the rolls.”
1. “Who Made the Good Dressing?”
This debate will lead to severe emotional damage, the kind of damage not even a haboob can cause. Don’t even whisper, “Well, this stuffing is a little dry.” Don’t do it.
2. “Should the Turkey Be Smoked, Fried, or Roasted?”
Lubbock families have strong feelings about how the turkey should be made. If you’re not responsible for it, don’t ask questions. Just shut up and eat it. Everyone thinks everyone else’s way of cooking it is wrong. It is what it is. Be quiet.
3. “Who’s Taking Home The Leftovers?”
If you aren’t offered, don’t ask. Plain and simple. And, if you’re a second cousin, don’t even look at the leftovers. Just be grateful you were invited at all.
4. “Do We Have To Watch Football?”
Yes. Don’t get yourself placed on the holiday watchlist by asking. Go Cowboys!
5. “Did We Really Need Three Kinds of Potatoes?”
Shut up, Karen. Nobody needs your negativity. Thanksgiving was made for all the potatoes you can handle and then some.
6. “So, Who’d Y’all Vote For?”
Ah, yes…the napalm of holiday conversations. Someone always brings it up “accidentally”. Don’t be that person. Remember how nervous the dog under the table already is. Keep your lips zipped.
7. “Is This Cranberry Sauce Real or Canned?”
If it’s in the shape of a can, it came from a can, dumbass. Eat it or wear it.
8. “Why Are We Eating at 3 pm? That’s SO Late and I’m Starving!”
Dude. Did you not notice 6 trays of deviled eggs? That’s what those are for. Steal a couple and be quiet before Grandma has an aneurysm. Grandpa forgot to defrost it, and he’s already in hot water for giving the kids fireworks from the ’80s they found in the garage.
9. “Is The Kids Table Still Necessary?”
Yes. Adults need boundaries, even if the kids are already in college. Half of the adults belong at the kids’ table anyway. Maybe they’ll sit there by accident.
10. “Who’s Saying Grace?”
Some prayers are too long. Some prayers are too short. Some prayers even mention the president. Every one of them leads to cold rolls. Just start eating and cross your fingers; everyone else forgot to…