If you’re like me, you love nature… from a distance. Like, I fully appreciate a sunset, a good breeze, and any wildlife I can observe from behind a window or an air conditioner. I also genuinely enjoy camping. I do! As long as there’s a comfy chair, a good view, and nobody says, “Let’s hike!” with the confidence of a man who has never once worn shoes with arch support.
Look, I’ve tried to be one of those “outdoorsy West Texas girls.” I’ve dated guys who made me pretend I loved hiking, kayaking, and whatever that thing is where you walk uphill on purpose. But every time I step foot outside of city limits, the universe sends bugs that don’t like me. At all. I’m like a magnet for any insect with wings, legs, or a personal vendetta.
So if you want to look outdoorsy in Lubbock without actually doing all that outdoor stuff… welcome. Here’s the guide.
Step 1: Own A Dramatically Large Water Bottle
Any brand will work. Just take it everywhere you go, and hold onto it like it’s a personality trait. You’re basically already halfway there with the bottle alone. Also, if you put stickers on it that say stuff like “Adventure Awaits,” nobody will question what kind of adventure. It’ll be our secret that the adventure is actually just eating chips in bed later.
Step 2: Wear Hiking Boots to Places That Don’t Require Hiking Boots
Going to the brewery? Boots. Target? Boots. Cookout? Boots. A light drizzle hits the 806? Definitely, boots. It tells the world that you either just went hiking or plan to go hiking later.
Step 3: Buy a Backpack Meant for the Appalachian Trail
We all know that every outdoorsy person has a giant, tactical-looking backpack full of essentials like rope, maps, water filtration straws, and other waste of money you can find on Amazon. You can just fill yours with snacks. They won’t know the difference. If they are digging through your bag, they are too close.
Step 4: Post a Photo of a Nature Spot At Least Twice a Year
You only have to stay outdoors long enough to take the photo. You can do it. Lubbock doesn’t have the greatest places for scenic photos, but you could try your luck at Dunbar Lake. Just get like…the edge of the water with your hiking boots in view. Done deal.
Step 5: Use Practical Excuses to Avoid The Actual Outdoors
“Yeah, I’d love to hike right now, but you know…allergies.” We are in LUBBOCK, TEXAS. Pollen, dust, bugs, all that, it’s a thing here. Nobody will be the wiser.
Step 6: Learn Some Basic Outdoorsy Phrases to Sound More Believable
“I love the smell of juniper”, or “The wind is really kicking today”, will work just fine.
Listen, folks, you don’t have to hike, kayak, chase sunsets, or run up canyon walls. Ever. You just have to look like you might do those things. West Texas outdoorsy is a spectrum, and it’s okay if you’re just doing your best on the snack-based end of it. I’ll be there too, and I brought s’mores…