Crime procedural shows like Law & Order have given many of us the wrong idea about how crimes are investigated- the sad fact is that most departments simply don’t have the resources for forensics of that caliber, especially not for more minor crimes. However, I propose that we do invest in a TV show-caliber special unit to catch and prosecute porch pirates, because I really, really despise them in particular.
How We Fund The Special Package Unit
First off, the name is hilarious, so let’s make shirts. Second, do an actual TV show of these people getting busted. I’d watch it and find it extremely satisfying, especially if they open a decoy box that happens to be full of something nasty that spills all over them. Admit it, you’d watch that show, too.
For an added layer of entertainment, we could have a Chris Hanson-style host who talks to the people who get busted and makes them look like absolute fools and creeps for their crimes. I volunteer, I’d be amazing at it.
Facial recognition. Fingerprinting. Footage review. Whatever it takes. I want them BUSTED. I want Forensic Files level of attention to this.
Why We Should All Be Passionate About This
Why am I so upset by porch pirates? Well, there are several reasons, and they all point to that person being a sociopath for doing it. For one, they don’t really know what they are stealing. It could be medicine or medical equipment, for example. It could also be extremely useless to the thief, like a part for a machine they don’t own. And it’s not like they are going to return it if they can’t use it or sell it…