Additional Coverage:
- I got pregnant with my daughter in college. Now, she’s applying to college herself, and I’m grieving the life I could’ve had. (businessinsider.com)
Full Circle: A Mother’s Reflection on Her Daughter’s College Journey
As high school seniors across the nation eagerly submit college applications, one local mom is experiencing a unique blend of nostalgia, excitement, and unexpected grief. Her 17-year-old daughter’s journey through the application process has brought back vivid memories for this mother, who herself became pregnant with her eldest daughter during her senior year of college.
Watching her daughter type out applications, the mother found herself transported back to a pivotal moment in her own life: sitting in her rundown college apartment kitchen, the harsh fluorescent light illuminating the brown linoleum floor as she learned she was pregnant. The scene, complete with her boyfriend holding his head in his hands and positive pregnancy tests fanned out, remains etched in her memory.
The realization of how young she truly was at that time has become profoundly clear. She questions how her daughter, who still shies away from talking to strangers and maintains a notoriously messy room, could possibly face motherhood in just a few short years. This stark contrast has stirred a complex mix of emotions.
The Weight of Youthful Motherhood
She vividly recalls the start of that fateful college semester, full of hope and excitement, just weeks before the undeniable truth of her missed period. Looking at her daughter now, the full impact of her own youth at that time is undeniable.
The naive self-confidence of her college days, she admits, crumbled that night and was never truly regained. Becoming a mother, at any age, she explains, has a transformative power, carving you apart and making you question everything.
Grief for a Past Self, Recognition of a Bond
As her teenage daughter now stands on the precipice of the very age her mother was when she had her, there’s a palpable sense of loss and grief for her own younger self. Seeing her daughter with the world seemingly at her fingertips reminds her of her own fearless, confident self just before her daughter’s arrival.
Yet, amidst the uncertainty and anxiety of that time, one memory stands out above all: the moment she met her daughter. The instant the nurse laid her newborn on her chest, a profound sense of recognition settled in.
“Oh. It’s you,” she recalls thinking, a complete calm washing over her, as if two souls who had always known each other were simply reuniting.
A Future Filled with Hope (and a Little Selfishness)
Eighteen years later, this mother feels she has learned who she is, with and because of her daughter. Now, she faces the prospect of relearning life without her constant presence, a mix of fear and excitement for her daughter’s future mirroring those early days.
While she grieves for the girl she once was, she is determined that her daughter not share in that grief. She desires for her daughter to experience the freedom she had at that age, even as she acknowledges her own loss. She wishes for her daughter a life she herself did not have, without a hint of guilt for her own existence.
These desires, she admits, feel almost impossible for both of them. But with the world now at her daughter’s fingertips, she wants her to embrace every bit of it, perhaps, she muses, a little selfishly, for both of them. And no matter what paths they take, her deepest hope and prayer is that they will always find their way back to each other, just like that first meeting, for another quiet whisper of, “Oh, it’s you.”