TOLEDO, OH—Sources inside the Toledo Truth Teller have confirmed that circulation department employee Nicole Lee’s digestive tract has succumbed to room-temperature kombucha, the latest in a string of setbacks within the newspaper’s new consumer product testing division.
Lee reportedly drank the fermented beverage at room temperature on Monday, despite allegedly commenting that she was “pretty sure kombucha is supposed to be refrigerated,” in order to complete an assignment in her capacity as a volunteer reporter for the Truth Teller. According to sources, Lee proceeded to spend the next twelve hours vomiting.
“Ned did not want my beautiful article about the amazing face mask from China that is transforming face technology, and that is why my darling little Nicole got sick,” said Esmeralda Grand, managing editor, who claims Editor in Chief Ned Sampson shot down her story pitch for being “total clickbait garbage.”…