Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news. It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.
At a small dispensary on Haywood Road, the kind that smells like a cross between stale incense and oversteeped chamomile, the owner, 32-year-old Nebula Parrish, stares blankly at the shelves of hemp-derived edibles that may soon become illegal. His expression is somewhere between shock and quiet panic.
“If this goes through, I’ll have to pivot. Again,” Parrish says, with a hollow laugh, gesturing helplessly at a display of vibrantly colored gummies with names like Blue Ridge Bliss and Mellow Mountain Mama. “I started as a CBD honey farmer. Then I became a licensed delta-8 beverage artisan. I can’t go back to regular beverages. People in Asheville don’t hydrate unless it alters their consciousness a little.”…