Additional Coverage:
- I started smoking when I was a teen and quit 20 times. I still love the occasional cigarette. (businessinsider.com)
From Rebel Smoker to Mindful Mover: One Woman’s Journey to Redefine Her Relationship with Cigarettes
CHICAGO, IL – For many, a cigarette can symbolize rebellion, connection, or even a fleeting moment of self-indulgence. But for Andrea Javor, a habit that started with a $1.98 pack of Kool 100 Milds at 16, evolved into a complex, two-decade-long struggle, marked by a cycle of quitting and relapsing. Now, at 46, she’s trying a radically different approach to finally break free.
Javor’s journey began in 1995, a time when a driver’s license and a cigarette felt like the ultimate symbols of freedom. “I still remember the freedom and rebellion alive in my heart while my hair blew in the wind,” she recalls, painting a vivid picture of adolescent invincibility.
For years, smoking became a “costume,” a “suit of melancholic glamour” that allowed her to embody different emotional states. It was also a social glue, fostering “meaningful conversations… shared over an ashtray.”
However, as public perception of smoking shifted in the early 2000s with successful tobacco control campaigns and smoking bans, Javor found herself facing increasing external pressure to quit. The turning point arrived at 27 with a diagnosis of type 1 diabetes, prompting an immediate and drastic lifestyle reevaluation. She flushed her remaining cigarettes and quit cold turkey.
Yet, the allure of the “pack” remained. For years, she admits to fantasizing about “French kissing” strangers just to get a taste of what she was missing.
Her relapses were often clandestine, involving “sporadic, shameful cigarettes” smoked in Chicago back alleys, dingy bars, or hidden corners of Las Vegas casinos. Even on a girls’ trip to Saugatuck, Michigan, the nostalgic pull of sharing a cigarette with a college friend brought back a mix of “love and loathed” feelings, intertwining nostalgia with consequence.
After realizing she had quit over 20 times in two decades, Javor confronted the persistent desire to break free from the habit’s grip. The toll on her “immunocompromised body” and the self-reproach for lacking self-control were undeniable.
Instead of focusing on consequences, she began journaling about her past smoking experiences, recalling moments with a high school boyfriend or an uncle who caught her smoking at 17, preserving her secret. Each memory, she notes, ultimately led back to the same conclusion: “I just really love an occasional cigarette.”
This self-reflection led to a groundbreaking decision for the new year. Instead of vowing to quit entirely, Javor has committed to a new strategy: allowing herself to smoke, but with strict limits.
“No more than one a month, hopefully less,” she states, emphasizing that any cigarette must be enjoyed from a “place of self-possession.” No more hiding, no more secrecy.
The goal is to “enjoy the tactile ritual proudly.”
The question now remains: if the illicit thrill is removed, can she finally quit for good? Only time will tell if this radical redefinition of her relationship with cigarettes will lead to lasting freedom.