Additional Coverage:
- I grew up in China, but I’m raising my daughter in LA. A trip back to visit family made me rethink my parenting style. (businessinsider.com)
Grace Cong Sui, a mother raising her daughter in Los Angeles without nearby family support, recently spent two months in Qingdao, China, visiting relatives for Lunar New Year. This trip offered her a fresh perspective on parenting across cultures.
During the visit, Grace observed stark differences between her parenting style and that of her extended family. For example, she witnessed her aunt feeding her niece while the child remained focused on the television-something that prompted Grace to voice her concerns, only to be met with a silent but firm look from her mother, a common nonverbal cue among Chinese elders.
Having grown up in Shandong Province in the 1990s, Grace fondly recalled being raised by a large network of relatives who shared childcare duties. This contrasted with her experience in Los Angeles, where she has relied heavily on parenting books and trial and error, establishing routines around meals, playtime, and boundaries without the benefit of extended family nearby.
During her stay, Grace appreciated the abundant help from family members who anticipated her daughter’s needs, whether by providing extra layers of clothing or preparing school supplies for the local kindergarten her daughter attended. Yet, she also felt a subtle displacement in her maternal role as her family’s more hands-on approach sometimes conflicted with the independence and discipline she fosters at home.
Grace noticed that while her daughter thrived amid the attention and warmth of relatives-joyfully engaging in family celebrations and bonding with cousins-the parenting practices she encountered were often at odds with the methods she embraces in the U.S. For example, her parents encouraged feeding her granddaughter themselves and quickly intervened during disputes, rather than allowing the children to navigate emotions independently.
Upon returning to Los Angeles, the family routine resumed, but Grace observed her daughter requesting to be fed-a behavior she had resisted before the trip. This moment highlighted how deeply ingrained cultural parenting habits can be and how they continue to influence her.
Grace acknowledges that while she and her husband are the primary decision-makers in raising their daughter, her parents’ approach stems from love and care, not simply tradition to be rejected. She is now thoughtfully considering how to blend the best of both worlds as she continues her journey in motherhood across cultures.