Additional Coverage:
- My kids swear and don’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you.’ I don’t care. (businessinsider.com)
Navigating the Nuances of Neurodivergence and “Politeness”
My kids, ages 7 and 5, aren’t always what some would consider polite. My eldest, Oscar, is neurodivergent, and social interactions like saying hello or making eye contact can be challenging.
Recently, while meeting potential landlords, Oscar’s aversion to pleasantries was on full display. He ignored their friendly greetings, fixated instead on getting a screen.
My daughter, Molly, stepped in with her usual charm, effectively diverting attention. In moments like these, I feel the pressure to apologize for Oscar’s behavior, to reassure others that we’re a “good” family.
But I’m learning to resist that urge.
My children’s actions don’t define who they are. Oscar is curious, funny, and creative.
He just doesn’t engage in small talk with adults. He’s more likely to scowl or mumble than offer a welcoming smile.
This isn’t unusual for neurodivergent children. What many perceive as “basic manners” can be difficult for them.
While Oscar isn’t formally diagnosed with autism, he exhibits many traits, including pragmatic speech disorder, which affects his ability to follow social communication rules. He also experiences social anxiety, as does his father and I, which can make interactions with strangers even more stressful.
I know firsthand that fear and discomfort can be misinterpreted as rudeness.
Even Molly, our outgoing child, isn’t a stickler for politeness. We don’t censor language in our home, so expletives are sometimes part of her vocabulary.
My husband and I are also direct communicators, sometimes blunt, and yes, occasionally we swear. We strive for authenticity over artificial pleasantries.
While some still equate politeness with good character, I believe it’s more important for children to be true to themselves. I sometimes worry that people will judge our parenting based on Oscar’s behavior, but ultimately, their opinions don’t matter. What matters is accepting and supporting our children for who they are.
It’s heartening when others understand this, like our new landlords (we got the house!). They recognized that kids like Oscar aren’t being disrespectful, just expressing themselves honestly.
I admire that honesty in my children. They teach me daily that true belonging comes from embracing our authentic selves, even if that self isn’t always “polite.”
Read More About This Story:
- My kids swear and don’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you.’ I don’t care. (businessinsider.com)