Additional Coverage:
- I’m a mom of 5 and spent years doing everything for my kids. One of them told me he needed to make his own mistakes. (businessinsider.com)
Local Mom Shares Hard-Won Wisdom: Sometimes, You Just Gotta Let ‘Em Make Their Own Messes
As a mom of five – four boys and a girl – I’ve seen my fair share of messes. From questionable third-grade artwork that depicted beheaded snowmen (a preview of a lucrative art career, it turns out!) to BB gun incidents that brought the police to my doorstep, my parenting journey has been anything but spotless.
I still remember the first time I was called into the principal’s office. My oldest son’s drawing of bloody, beheaded snowmen had apparently raised some eyebrows. While the principal saw it as a “warning sign,” I now realize it was just a kid recreating a scene from a PG cartoon – and perhaps a glimpse into the artistic talent that would later become his career.
But the messes weren’t always so benign. There was the fistfight on the way home from school, the time my two-year-old “shoplifted” candy (unbeknownst to me until we were home!), and then there was the BB gun incident.
“Not my children!” I exclaimed when the police arrived, only to discover a hidden BB gun in the garage loft and a damaged screen door belonging to a neighbor.
They eventually confessed, a collective admission of guilt, and I was left stunned, simply taking the gun away.
For years, I felt that every one of their transgressions, no matter how minor, was a direct reflection of my parenting skills. But then, a realization dawned: there comes a point when you’re no longer responsible for their actions. For me, that moment arrived when each of them left for college.
While many parents continue to monitor their children’s activities even after they’ve moved into a dorm, I chose a different path. I was done stressing over exams, worrying about their eating habits, or demanding access to grades or email accounts.
My lack of oversight doesn’t mean they were angels; in fact, I’m pretty sure they all engaged in some questionable behavior. I know of at least one incident involving a son and an “overconsumption of alcohol,” as he delicately put it.
He only shared this with me during a conversation about my own teenage years and my mother’s alcoholism. When I pressed for details, offering to help, his response hit me like a ton of bricks: “You need to let me make my own mistakes.”
His willingness to take responsibility for his actions, even for an incident that didn’t lead to severe consequences from the college, taught me a profound lesson. He graduated on time, transcript unblemished, but I believe I’m the one who gained the most from that conversation. Sometimes, as parents, the greatest lesson we can learn is to step back and let our children navigate their own messes – and ultimately, grow from them.