Additional Coverage:
- I let my daughter reject hugs and kisses at family gatherings. My boomer relatives initially felt offended. (businessinsider.com)
Hugs and Boundaries: A Modern Take on Family Greetings
A local mom is shaking up traditional family greetings, teaching her daughter the power of choice over obligatory hugs and kisses.
For many, family gatherings are synonymous with warm embraces and cheek-pinching affection, especially for the little ones. But for one local mother, Tiffany Tuttle, the long-standing tradition of mandated greetings felt less like love and more like a lesson in ignored boundaries. Now, she’s charting a new course for her daughter, focusing on self-respect and the right to say “no” – even to grandma’s hug.
Tuttle recounts a childhood where every family get-together in her Mexican-American household began with a non-negotiable greeting ritual. Despite the delicious aromas of tamales and turkey, and the joy of family, a polite wave was considered rude.
Instead, a chorus of “¡Saluda!” (Greet!)
from the adults would prompt children to hug and kiss every grown-up in the room, a gesture of respect that often felt forced and uncomfortable.
“My resistance became less about hugging people I didn’t know and more about realizing my boundaries didn’t matter,” Tuttle explains, highlighting a sentiment many can relate to. This experience fueled her desire to raise her own daughter differently.
The arrival of the pandemic in 2020, amidst the chaos of new motherhood, inadvertently provided a “social reset.” While isolation kept families apart, it also fostered new ways of connecting, like FaceTime calls that built relationships despite the distance.
The true test came during their first post-pandemic family gathering. Tuttle’s daughter, not yet a year old, was met with a flurry of excited relatives eager to shower her with long-awaited affection. But instead of leaping into outstretched arms, the little one clung to her mom, letting out a startled wail.
“There was an immediate and collective sigh of disappointment,” Tuttle describes. The family matriarchs and patriarchs, accustomed to unchallenged affection from children, were met with tears and resistance. Bribery attempts and emotional appeals followed – “I got you a pretty doll, and I’m going to be so sad if you don’t give me a hug.”
It was in this moment that Tuttle chose to empower her daughter. Looking her in the eyes, she said, “It’s OK, you can stay with me.” The immediate relief on her daughter’s face solidified Tuttle’s resolve.
Nervous yet empowered, Tuttle addressed her family, explaining that what was once considered disrespectful in their generation is now viewed as self-respect in hers. This candid conversation, a first for her family, began to shift perceptions.
Over time, the family’s expectations have evolved. What started as disappointment has transformed into understanding.
Comments like, “Are you going to let your daughter get away with not giving me a hug and kiss?” have been replaced with “Okay, I’ll be here when she wants to play.”
Tuttle’s daughter now greets relatives on her own terms, sometimes with an enthusiastic embrace, other times with a quick “hi!” before running off to play. This shift signifies a new understanding of respect and love, one that takes on different, more authentic forms.
For Tuttle, this evolving tradition is one worth passing down – a powerful lesson in autonomy and self-respect, ensuring that her daughter grows up knowing her boundaries are valued, not just tolerated.