Additional Coverage:
- I stopped being the first to reach out to friends. It made me realize I don’t need to be liked by everyone. (businessinsider.com)
Local Woman Discovers the Secret to Friendship: Sometimes You Just Gotta Stop Texting First
A local woman, at 37, made a bold move: she stopped being the perpetual initiator in her friendships. What she found was a mix of disappointment, affirmation, and ultimately, a newfound contentment in her social circles.
For many, the desire for connection is a lifelong journey. For this woman, who chose to remain anonymous but shared her story, that journey began in childhood, marked by a constant craving for playdates and sleepovers.
As a teenager, armed with a Nokia and a driver’s license, she was always the one orchestrating get-togethers. This deep-seated need for friendship, she explains, was fueled by an innate desire for acceptance, a feeling amplified by numerous childhood moves that often left her feeling like an outsider.
Her pursuit of connection continued into adulthood, particularly after a significant move from the US to Wales. Once again, she found herself navigating new social landscapes, actively seeking out friendships through various avenues – church, work, her children’s school, and even her husband’s existing social network. She diligently maintained these relationships, believing that frequent, often self-initiated, contact was the key to holding onto them.
However, a nagging question began to surface: what would happen if she didn’t reach out first? This curiosity led to “monthlong experiments” of going quiet, a deliberate pause to see who, if anyone, would make contact.
The results, she admits, were a mixed bag of disappointment and frustration, yet also reaffirming. Some friends remained silent, triggering old feelings of rejection and exclusion.
Others, however, did get in touch.
This period of introspection prompted a deep dive into her own expectations and the nature of friendship itself. Was she too intense?
Was her concept of friendship unrealistic for others? Was she, dare she ask, a “needy” friend?
Through this soul-searching, she gained clarity. She realized she is a fiercely loyal friend who values deep, meaningful relationships that demand time and effort – a “sisterhood” that a twice-a-year check-in simply can’t fulfill.
She also acknowledged that this intense desire for connection isn’t universal, and that’s perfectly okay. People have different needs and existing support systems, whether through family or other friendships.
She learned to accept this without feeling personally rejected.
Over the past year, this realization led to a shift in her approach. She began mentally categorizing her friendships, identifying those who sought the same depth she offered and those who were content with more surface-level interactions.
She stopped “chasing” friends. Instead, she leaned into her “village” – a core group of three friends who reciprocated her desire for deep connection. These are the friends who initiate contact, check in, and demonstrate fierce loyalty.
For other friends, she stopped prioritizing contact, though she didn’t cut them out. She enjoys their company when they do meet, but she no longer feels resentment or rejection, understanding that their ideas of friendship simply differ. There were also a few friendships she valued enough to continue initiating contact, accepting that this was the dynamic necessary to maintain them.
The outcome of these changes has been profound. For the first time, she feels completely content in her friendships.
She understands where she stands with each person, shedding the childhood fear of needing to be accepted by everyone. She now knows she is wanted and loved, not by all, but by a select few, and for her, that is finally enough.