Additional Coverage:
- My husband and I learned that blending our families was a terrible mistake. Now we live alongside each other. (businessinsider.com)
From “Brady Bunch” Dream to Blended Reality: One Family’s Journey to Finding Peace
Seven years ago, a couple with eight children between them, ranging from ages 3 to 15, embarked on a new chapter, envisioning a modern-day “Brady Bunch” family. They anticipated warmth, energy, and fun, despite the daunting task ahead.
However, the initial reactions from friends and family – “Wow, that’s a lot,” and “You must really love each other to take that on” – hinted at the challenges to come. Despite past marital failures, the couple was determined to succeed, fueled by an admittedly unrealistic optimism.
The “Blend” That Wasn’t
Their journey began in a new home, with carefully designed dorm-style bedrooms to provide each child with their own space, all in the name of “blending” their families. There were certainly moments of joy: shared pasta dinners, pumpkin carving contests, impromptu talent shows, and croquet games.
Yet, these moments often felt overshadowed by a distinct lack of cohesion. The experience was akin to an extended vacation with another family – polite adjustments eventually giving way to a longing for a return to normalcy.
The fundamental differences in their family cultures became increasingly apparent. What sent one side of the family into fits of laughter left the other staring blankly.
As months passed, their best intentions teetered on the brink of disaster. Differing parenting styles became a major point of contention: one parent found the other too strict, while the other viewed them as too permissive.
A desire for unity clashed with a need for space.
Clashing Kids and Ferret Escapades
The children soon began to clash over everything from milk preferences to bathroom time and music choices. One particularly memorable point of contention involved a daughter’s ferret that had a penchant for escaping into another daughter’s underwear drawer. As these conflicts escalated, biological siblings rallied to defend each other, further solidifying the divides.
A weekend cabin trip, intended to create cherished memories, instead became a breaking point. A game of “steal the flag” devolved into accusations and hurt feelings, culminating in the husband packing up his children and leaving early.
The involuntary cheer of relief from the remaining family members underscored the depth of the existing tension. Despite their love for each other, both parents privately questioned their decision.
Embracing the “Side-by-Side” Approach
In a moment of desperation, the author researched blended families, only to find the term itself felt like an accusation, failing to capture the chaotic reality of their home. This led to a crucial realization: what if “blending” wasn’t the right goal at all?
Facing what felt like the collapse of their dream, they made a pivotal decision: to stop forcing a blend that wasn’t happening and instead focus on living alongside each other with respect. This “side-by-side” approach meant each parent took primary responsibility for their own children.
Shared pizza dinners became a common occurrence, and game nights were optional invitations rather than mandates. They discovered the vital importance of individual time between each child and their original parent, a practice that brought calm, happiness, and security to everyone.
Critiques of each other’s parenting ceased, and advice was only offered when genuinely solicited. They constantly reminded themselves that while they had chosen each other, the children had not chosen this new family dynamic, deserving time and space to adapt at their own pace.
Nearly eight years later, this slower, more separate, yet respectful approach has proven far more successful than the initial “Brady Bunch” fantasy. While rough days still occur, the family largely coexists harmoniously, with a palpable warmth in the house. Slowly but surely, imperfectly perhaps, they are indeed “marinating together just fine.”