Additional Coverage:
- As a parent of adult children, my advice is no longer helpful. But stepping back isn’t easy. (businessinsider.com)
As my children have grown into adulthood, I’ve found myself wrestling with a surprisingly persistent urge: the urge to give advice. While my kids have matured and need less guidance, my instinct to step in and tell them what to do hasn’t quite caught up.
A few months ago, I caught myself mid-sentence, about to say to my 20-year-old daughter, “You know what you should do?” Suddenly, a wave of memories hit me-countless times I had received unsolicited advice myself, and how frustrating that had been. It was a clear signal that I needed to change my approach.
When my kids were little, constant instructions were essential. Toddlers require hands-on help with everything-from getting dressed to learning safety rules. As they grew, they naturally became more independent, learning to manage these tasks on their own.
Now, as they navigate adulthood, the impulse to offer unsolicited advice isn’t helpful. In that moment with my daughter, I stopped myself, apologized, and vowed to listen more and “should” less. Instead of telling her what to do, I asked questions to help her think through her options, allowing her to reach her own conclusions.
This shift is challenging. My husband and I are learning to move from directors to supporters-being there with encouragement rather than instructions. We recognize that our kids have the best insight into their own lives, and that sometimes our advice may not apply or even be outdated.
Most importantly, while I want to protect them from mistakes, I know that true growth comes from trying new things, sometimes failing, and figuring it out independently. Stepping back isn’t always easy, but it’s often the best way to support them as they build their own paths.
My role now is clear: to listen more, trust their judgment, and be ready with advice only when asked. It’s a new phase of parenting, one that requires patience and humility, but ultimately fosters the independence they need to thrive.