Everyone in Lubbock has taken a trip over to Prairie Dog Town to see those little guys run around all willy-nilly, but what if those darlin’ diggers decided they were done with scrounging for bugs and posing for tourists?
Imagine this: you wake up one morning and realize the prairie dogs have staged a silent coup — there’s no more tunnels, no more cute squeaks, and those little baddies have taken full-blown control of the city.
You thought the dust, the wind, and cruddy politicians were running things around here? Nah, it’s the prairie dogs now, and if I’m honest, they’ve got a pretty solid plan. It chatted with them earlier and got the scoop. Here’s what we’re looking at:
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Prairie Dog LawsThere are no more leashes for dogs, but humans MUST wear reflective vests when walking near their homes. And, as punishment for littering, grab a shovel and start digging their tunnels, boys.
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Transportation TakeoverThe prairie dogs are hellbent on rerouting Loop 289 into an underground expressway. With their plans, even tumbleweeds will have their own lane in traffic. (Not a terrible idea…)
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City Council, Prairie EditionFrom now on, city council meetings will be held at dawn, and there will be sunflower seeds and other prairie dog snacks instead of donuts. Squeaks rather than yays and nays decide votes.
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Housing Market Crash Humans won’t be able to afford burrows anymore, and Zillow will be filled with listings like “Adorable 2-room tunnel, 4.5 dirt piles, BYO sunflower seeds.”
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Texas Tech Football, Rebranded There is no more Masked Rider. Nope. Now, we have the Masked Digger, and they’ll be riding atop a giant prairie dog into Jones AT&T Stadium.
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Prairie Dog Mall Rats The South Plains Mall will now be known as the South Plains Burrow — escalators will, of course, be replaced by dirt ramps. The decadent Chick-fil-A nugget trays will also be guarded fiercely by the prairie dog’s squirrel allies.
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Food Scene UpgradesNo more fast food. Every restaurant in town will now be “farm-to-burrow”, because, frankly, the prairie dogs DEMAND peanuts and cotton seeds. BUT, they are still considering a queso fountain.
Do you think life under prairie dog rule would be so bad?…