Every four years, we gather around the television, cram snacks in our faces, guzzle beers, watch the Olympics, and think, “I couldprobably do that.” Of course, we couldn’t, but they seem to make it all look so easy!.
Honestly, though, most Lubbock folks perform Olympic-level feats nearly every single day without noticing. Plus, we NEVER get the glory, sponsorships, or slow-motion replays. Pfft.
Here are a few local events I think totally deserve a little spotlight in the Olympics of Life in Lubbock, Texas:
1. Pothole Dodging on 34th Street
This one’s a crowd pleaser, guys. Drivers must navigate a maze of ginormous craters while holding their coffee, maintaining eye contact with an angry tailgater, and pretending their shocks aren’t friggin’ screaming for mercy. Bonus Points : Do it all without spilling your drink.
️ 2. The Wind Sprint
Contestants must chase a receipt, a hat, or a Whataburger napkin across a parking lot during a 60 mph gust of wind, all while keeping their dignity AND without being hit by a car. Bonus Points : Do it without audibly cussing. (Feel free to say whatever you want under your breath.)
3. Cart Wrangling at Walmart
Timed event. Competitors must corral rogue shopping carts during a hailstorm without hitting a car, child, or grandmother. Bonus Points : Return all shopping carts to their designated zone. (This will also grant you a free pass to heaven, whether you’re competing or not.)
️ 4. Trash Can Toss
Your goal? Retrieve your garbage bin from 4 houses down after a major dust storm, using only sheer willpower and wearing ONLY a pair of flip-flops. Bonus Points : Return any trampolines you see on the way to their rightful owner.
5. Balancing a To-Go Box in the Car
A delicate art form. The driver must navigate 5 o’clock traffic on the Loop while holding a plate of chicken-fried steak steady in their lap, keeping the gravy intact, and resisting the urge to eat a single until they’ve made an entire lap. Bonus Points : Resist a slurp of a delicious chocolate malt on top of the already tempting fries. (Many will try. Most will fail.)
6. Gas Station Speed Run
Run in, grab a Big Red, and pay before someone with a trailer blocks you in at the pump. Subcategories include “Morning Coffee Dash��� and “Forgot the Debit Card in the Truck.” Bonus Points : There aren’t any. I don’t think you can do it, and I stand by this.
7. Mowing Before the Wind Kicks Up
A game of strategy and timing. The goal is to mow your yard before a gust hits and covers it back in dust, or before your neighbor starts first and blows clippings on your side. Pure mental warfare. Bonus Points : Maintain the same hairstyle you began the day with.
8. The Red Dirt Clean-Up Challenge
Every Lubbock home is coated in a fine layer of Mars dust. Contestants must see how long their baseboards can stay clean. The record is approximately seven minutes. Bonus Points : Upon inspection, judges must not find a single bug on your baseboard, which was carelessly painted over by previous homeowners.
9. The Lubbock Goodbye Marathon
An endurance event. Athletes must attempt to leave a gathering, hug everyone twice, and have at least three “one more thing” conversations before finally making it to their car 45 minutes later. No one ever wins this one. Bonus Points : Winning alone. All points will be awarded, and the game will be retired. You are the Lubbock Olympian for life now…