PORTLAND, OR — In what company executives are calling their “most ambitious expansion yet,” Spirit Halloween announced Tuesday that it will seize the opportunity presented by Portland’s vacant downtown to convert every empty storefront into a seasonal costume superstore by October.
“Frankly, it just made sense,” said Spirit CEO Craig Phillips, adjusting a rubber Michael Myers mask during a press conference held in the hollowed-out husk of what used to be a Whole Foods. “We saw boarded-up windows, graffiti, and tumbleweeds blowing down Burnside, and thought: this is prime Spirit Halloween real estate. Why fight over one space when we can have all of them?”
The company’s new strategy, dubbed “Operation Pumpkin Spice,” involves transforming former retail giants like Nordstrom, REI, and the Apple Store into massive costume emporiums, with Spirit banners already being duct-taped over “For Lease” signs. Even smaller spaces, such as vape shops and boutique coffee roasters, will reportedly be crammed with plastic scythes and racks of “Sexy Bernie Sanders” costumes…