This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
On March 24, Chapel and Spiritual Life (CSL) declared the Church of Scientology Trinity’s official religious affiliation. With the school’s commitment to secularism and religious diversity dating back to 1969, the recent change has sparked fierce debate among students.
Clementine Axel San-Wallbanger, CSL leader and university chaplain, said that a recent trip to the Church of Scientology a few blocks from campus “enlightened” him. After extensively researching and negotiating prices, he successfully convinced Vaseline Beastley, university president, to buy into the religion…