New “Gull Lanes” promise fewer fry-related fly-bys near Stearns Wharf
In a bold new effort to reduce wing–foot misunderstandings along Cabrillo Boulevard, the Department of Avian Affairs announced today that Santa Barbara will pilot the region’s first Seagull Crosswalks.
The pilot, slated for the stretch along Cabrillo Blvd near State Street and the Stearns Wharf entrance, features pint‑sized “Gull Lanes” stenciled with biodegradable breadcrumb paint and crosswalk signals that swap the usual “WALK” icon for a single golden french fry.
“Seagulls are valued pedestrians with wings,” said Acting Deputy Director of Avian Affairs, Al B. Tross, flanked by a sign reading Caw-Tion. “With clear right-of-way, we anticipate a 42% reduction in airborne side-eye and a dramatic improvement in snack-sharing etiquette.”
How it works
- Signals: A glowing fry means “go,” while a closed takeout box indicates “stop.” A rare “double fry” denotes school-flock hours.
- Sound: At dusk, a low-profile “caw-tion” chirp reminds gulls to yield to sunset photographers.
- Enforcement: Volunteer “crossing beaks” will gently gesture with biodegradable spatulas. No tickets, just tsk-tsks.
“A lot of conflicts start at the interface of stroller wheels and opportunistic beaks,” explained Senior Flight Planner Mina Bird. “Designating space for brief, respectful loitering should keep both parties from escalating to the dreaded food-snatch.”
Future expansions
If successful, the city’s avian planners may:
- Install pigeon roundabouts downtown to reduce midair honking.
- Add “Yield to Pelicans” signage near the Harbor during splashy landings.
- Pilot a “No Perching Except Loading” zone atop particularly expressive bronze statues.
Community participation
Readers are encouraged to submit photos of any orderly “gull queues” forming near the new striping—bonus points for wide-brim hats, waffle cones, or dramatic ocean backdrops…