PORTLAND, OR — In anticipation of this weekend’s peaceful protest that definitely won’t involve any windows mysteriously shattering themselves, city health officials have released a helpful reminder to all would-be demonstrators: “Don’t forget to stretch before yeeting.”
“Too many young activists are pulling muscles mid-toss,” said Dr. Skylar Moonstone, the city’s new Wellness Equity Coordinator. “We’re seeing a spike in rotator cuff injuries and sprained ankles—most of which could be avoided with a simple warm-up before peacefully hurling bricks at federal buildings.”
The city has partnered with a local yoga studio to offer pre-riot flow sessions, including poses like Molotov Mountain, Window Breaker Warrior, and Downward Facing Cop. Participants are also given gluten-free electrolyte bars and biodegradable masks so they can loot sustainably…