Hey, Texas. You feeling OK? What’s that? Why do I ask? Well, because lately you’ve been acting kinda crazy, even by your standards. (Not you, Austin; go do some yoga somewhere while the grownups talk.)
Look Texas, if you’re going to secede, go ahead and do it. We know you want to break up. Just do it. Things aren’t working well anymore for you and America. I’m sorry. I know that sounds awful, but somebody has to say it because we’re all thinking it. Even Montana.
Texas, you and America had a good run, but y’all are acting out and, well, we’re frankly tired of it. It’s not me, it’s you.
Admittedly, I’m not an expert on Texas. Apparently, all of someone’s exes are from there, and I’m told at age 4, I was peed on from head to toe by an astonishingly rude lion at your Fort Worth Zoo. I’ve spent some tarmac time at DFW and rather enjoy the yeast rolls from your “roadhouse.” Your chainsaw massacres? Chef’s kiss! Ditto your “Instruments” calculator and your sheet cake, which I have toted to every potluck since the ‘90s to rave reviews. I don’t know when the relationship went sour, but it didn’t help when you started insisting we don’t “mess with” you. Paranoid much? Also, your two-step looks a lot like the one from Oklahoma, but I don’t wanna make you mad saying that because you’re easily riled and most likely armed. At church.