This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
A new and shockingly Tulane-centric batch of Epstein files was just released by the Department of Justice. Within the four million pages released today, April 1, every single Tulane University professor, in every department, was mentioned — except the history department’s beloved Walter Isaacson.
According to the files, in June of 2014, six years after his very public conviction, Epstein rented out Tulane’s entire campus to host a suspiciously nondescript party for every professor, quoting a desire to “celebrate our joint achievements,” whatever that means…